Ahoy, mateys! It’s time to hoist the mainsail, batten down the hatches, get underway. Yes, we know that, put together, that’s a bunch of nautical nonsense, but who doesn’t like to pepper in a couple of boating terms from time to time? We need all hands on deck for this one—pack your coolers, turn those engines over, and set sail with us on this voyage to the wide watery road we all know and love.
Styx with "Come Sail Away”
Some say a boat is just a hole in the water that you throw money into. That it’s better to know someone with a boat than to have one yourself. That the two happiest days in a sailor’s life are the day they buy their boat, and the day they sell it. You know what we say? We’re no experts on nautical navigation, or rigging up the sheets, but golly is it nice to find yourself out at sea (or river, or lake—aquatic discrimination has no place here) with a couple of friends or family. As long as some version of “come sail away” is in the invite, it doesn’t matter who owns the vessel—you’re in for a great time.
Florence And The Machine with “Ship to Wreck”
The year is 1937. Gambling and various other “unsavory activities” are illegal...on US soil. The SS Monte Carlo (launched in 1921), however, had found a little land-free loophole for herself years before, and had become a popular casino, speakeasy, and all-around adult funhouse. Anchored in international waters just off the coast of San Diego, she had operated for years, unbothered by California law enforcement who, like some come-to-life group of Elmer Fudds, couldn’t touch them due to their jurisdictional limits.
Karma caught up with the SS Monte Carlo, however, on a bitterly cold New Year’s Day (so realistically like 60ºF—things are pretty temperate here). A storm—fueled by wind, rough seas, and perhaps the collectively crossed fingers of the California government—blew her free from her anchor, and the SS Monte Carlo soon drifted onto Coronado beach. No one would claim the wreck, as this would have implicated them in the various illicit activities the ship was famous for, and to this day her wreck is visible when low winter tides creep away from the Coronado coast.
Hues Corporation with "Rock the Boat"
You know what could be a fun game show? ROCK THE BOAT: Hosted by Tom Hanks (in Castaway character). Contestants—wearing personal flotation devices, of course—sit aboard a life raft in a pool with machine-powered waves that crash on them every 30 seconds. They are equipped with a sand shovel, a shot glass, a bike helmet, and a roll of duct tape. Whoever successfully bails the most water and keeps their boat afloat the longest wins. Losers have to swim to the “Splash Tank,” which is just a regular dunk tank on a floating pile of logs, further soaking themselves. The game show ends with all contestants celebrating together over a traditional sea-survivors meal (one ration of mineral and vitamin packed starch and fat—shelf life: 5 years.). Alright, maybe we have some details to work out, but there’s something here, right?
AWOLNATION with "Sail"
(We know you yelled it.)
Bob Marley & The Wailers with "Don’t Rock My Boat"
Unless you want to risk someone losing their shades, that is. But hey, if your pair falls into the drink, Knockarounds won’t cost an arm and a leg to replace (bonus points if you’ve already got a spare ready to whip out—day saved!).
Little Big Town with "Pontoon"
Alright, it might not be the most sea-worthy vessel out there, but few things beat a day on a pontoon. Heck, if all it takes is a slab on top of two canoes (and maybe a full cooler or two) to have a good time, then count us in.
Harry Belafonte with "Banana Boat (Day-O)"
Boat snacks can make or break a day on the water. Do you go salty? Sweet? Do you pack a full lunch, or just plan to graze the whole time? How many beverages do you bring? Do vegetables even count when you’re afloat? We say go all in. After all, it’s a little trickier to run to the kitchen for something you forgot when you’re doing 10 knots directly seaward.
The Lonely Island feat. T-Pain with "I’m On A Boat"
Ever wanted to feel like you were on a boat, but didn’t quite have the time to wrangle a crew of your closest “sailor buddies” (AKA the ones who think taking a knot-tying class at summer camp counts as being an able seaperson)? Let us offer a simple solution: grab your swim trunks, your flippie-floppies, and a pair (or better yet, two) of your favorite polarized Knocks, then blast this jam on repeat for the better part of an hour (emphasis on shouting the T-Pain supporting vocals with the gusto of a gale force storm). We can’t promise you’ll get the full “ocean-kissed afternoon” experience, but you may find yourself with a version of sea legs after a round or two in the sun.
Leon Bridges with "Smooth Sailin"
If Bridges ever names his own voice “Sailin’,” then this song title might as well be the name of his future biography. By jove, this man can SING. No matter what vibe you’re going for, Leon’s got a song for it. You could easily get away with (and probably be complimented for) just throwing his discography on shuffle for your next barbecue, date night, or...wait for it...day of smooth sailin’.
Lyle Lovett with "If I Had A Boat”"
The History Supreme is the world’s most expensive yacht at a cool $4.8 billion. It’s not the lengthiest, not by a long shot (that title belongs to Azzam, cruising along at a whopping 590 feet, nearly six times the length of History Supreme) but its pure gold construction (no, seriously, it’s made of literal gold—like element #79 on the periodic table, the stuff they make wedding bands out of, the reason all those folks hitched up covered wagons in 1849, real solid gold) renders its price tag pretty reasonable if you think about it. You suppose the owner would be down to do a product swap? We could trade them 320 million pairs of Classics and call it an even deal!
Bonus: Samuel E. Wright with "Under the Sea"
If you’re cruisin’ the ocean blue, the last place you want to end up is in Davy Jones’ Locker. Unless, of course, you’re a fish who’s just been hauled in for market...then the goal is probably full-on Operation: Fish Overboard.
By the way, just because most humans don’t interact with fish all too often (and no, we’re not talking about grilling salmon) doesn’t mean they aren’t vital to our ecosystems. Our brand new Shark Week Fort Knocks are helping conserve vital keystone species that we couldn’t live without—$5 from each pair goes to Oceana, which is dedicated to protecting our world’s oceans.